A wise woman once told me - don't have pity on me. And this wise woman is telling you the same. I don't want or need your pity. I need you to be vulnerable too.
Over the last year or so I have been on this bizarre spiritual journey. I won't go into great detail here but I can confidently say that I have grown much in my understanding of God and understanding of who she is. And if we as believers in God are not willing to share our story - however it may be - then I am just so incredibly sad for the believers of tomorrow.
I am scared to death. I cried today because I am in that space that wonders if I have absolutely lost my mind. That is pretty typical of me - I am either high or low. Very seldom am I in between.
It would not be fair to the next adopted kid who reads this to think I just had all the good positive vibes and that life is just grand.
Let's recap:
Your parents did not love you - they gave you away. (said to 5 year old Cheryl on the playground in Perrin Texas)
Cheryl - yes you are adopted. But we chose you. Over and over for years and years. And at some point they started telling me I could look for my birth parents if I wanted to. But that girl - never looked. She always wondered (my mom - DJ - confirms that) - I always wondered who my birth mother was.
This adopted girl looks at every single woman that is of age to be my mother and wonders if I look like her. Seriously - I even have a set of friends in Graham that I have told them for a long time that I was the daughter that their mother gave up for adoption. We all sort of looked alike - you know blond hair and short (not really looked alike at all but you know ....)
What is the world - how do you even express what adoption is. I am not sure there is a way. Can you imagine all the birth mothers out there? Let's be honest and let's be Jesus. I don't care the reasons that you have a child in the adoption world - there is just not a way to say it that doesn't bring tears.
I never had any feeling but Love for my birth mother. DJ & my dad taught me that. Forever - love was how I felt about my birth mom. And every year at my birthday the realization that she had no clue how I was doing absolutely broke my heart. Every single birthday. I just really wanted to have a celebration on another day. Because quite honestly - my birthday is just sad.
Is my baby okay? It is 1964, 1978, 1984, 2003, 2018 - does the year really matter? At some point the birth mother will wonder about the baby. And let's be sure we realize and respect - every mother. We on this side have no idea what circumstances led to the decision to allow a baby to be adopted. Even the foster care system of today and CPS - there is still a mother in that story that made the choice to give birth. The choice to give life.
I learned in that required hour counseling session that in 1964 - the counselors pretty much told birth mothers to have the baby and walk away. Do not hold the baby, do not look at the baby, do not give the baby a name. Let's think about that for a moment. I find that cruel. It is a wonder that any birth mother lives.
Even though it will be one of the hardest decisions in my life - I will make this choice because it will be better for my baby. I will give my baby a life better than what I think I can provide right now. It is because of my love for the baby that I will make this choice. I feel quite sure EVERY birth mother has said that at one point in time. And if we choose to think any differently about any of them then we are just being the most un-Jesus person we could ever be.
Okay - let's go searching and see what we can find. You know - she is at least 35, 45, 53, 65, 77, 80 - who knows the age of the birth mother when the child goes looking. Again - does the age matter. But to the child that was in adoption - it is slightly difficult to picture the aging person. For us - we might picture the age in which we were given. For years that was the "excuse" I used - I pictured her at a different age than she was. I thought since I was picturing her differently - then I did not need to go searching - she would not be what I was picturing and therefore it would just be too different.
What does my baby look like? Is my baby alive? Does my baby have my hair color - does the baby have my eyes - does the baby have my hands - my height - my anything. Does that baby look like me? How old is the baby - how long has it been? Can I ever forgive myself? Does the baby know I love her - Does the baby know I love him?
Will they like me? That is literally a thought I told DJ. I wondered if my birth family would like me. When I shared that thought - my mom had already shared enough that I knew she loved me. But let's remember that this is a huge family. Huge. Will this family love me?
For birth mothers - can you even imagine their pain and their confusion - and their wonder. What if their family doesn't know this adoption story - how does a birth mother share that when a son or daughter comes searching? Oh heavens again - I cannot imagine how a birth mother even lives through it all? Oh yes I know - birth mothers are resilient. They have a special Jesus as their friend that we all need.
Last Sunday we sang a song that hit me like a ton of bricks. I of course cried. "Where No One Stands Alone" - look it up - Elvis even has a version .....
This is our story and I so badly need you to remember me - to hug me (if you live here) - to hug me when you see me (in Tennessee) - but please remember this is so hard. I just need you to love love love adopted children. Please remember that even though we are on EVERY level of who we are absolutely value, honor, and cherish our parents and families who raised us .... we just might forever wonder who She is.
I absolutely never thought I would ever know her.
Each mother - whoever they are is scared to tell "their" story. They have decided to move on. Birth mothers have very few - if none - - "rights" to the baby they carried. This has to be the most difficult consequence to endure. I just cannot even imagine. For every mother who has had a child in the adoption world - consider for a moment what they need. They need immediate acceptance when they talk to you. Immediate acceptance for their choice. Immediate love. The only thing you can do is just say "I love you".
She hasn't had this conversation with me. I am not sure I could endure. I just cannot imagine how she felt those 54 years. But remember - do not pity her. Do not pity each birth mother. Pity gets us NO WHERE. Just love. Every single one of them. No matter their reason. LOVE those mothers. Love the mothers who chose life. Remember that every single time you want to pass a judgment on them.
Remember LIFE they chose.
Kerry says ..... No more Wine tonight - with or without the "h" (whine).
(that is a whole other story. I did not grow up with parents who drank alcohol and for the longest time I felt like it was a sin. I evidently missed the whole Jesus and wine story. But as a 54 year old adult - I am just going to tell you that I drink wine and it and coffee and water and hot tea are my absolute favorite beverages and it is NOT my sin. So - I now have a precious 4 year old granddaughter and I just cannot stand when children whine. So I have for a while been telling her that the only WINE we like is the WINE without the H. - She remembers every time - we like our wine without the H.)
4 - she has a family of 4. You have probably already met her son - my brother on Facebook posts. What a gracious - sharing - loving person he is. What a joy to have a brother in Tennessee too! Oh I might add - a brother who will yell Roll Tide with me!!! (that is another story - but YES they cheer for the Crimson Tide!!!) And she has 4 brothers - 4 families who have welcomed me in a manner in which I never imagined.
4 - if you go back and read the beginning of grace4greta - I tell you that I have always loved the number 4 - I don't know why - I just have ....
Love us both -
7 Days of Grace
4 days (actually 3) until I am in Tennessee
4 people in her family (are they ready for the 5th?)
4 to Love
Always, May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. 2 Corinthians 13:14.
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