I am just not sure.
Oh I really know but when it happens - there's just a moment (and that moment may be 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days....) that I don't even know what to do with myself - my emotions - and how I feel.
And I have to talk to find my way.
I am married to someone who would say "And I have to reflect (in silence) to find my way."
Makes me laugh just to write that - Kerry and I are so different.
But in the midst of our grief - I learn once again that while we may be really different - God knew what he was doing in January of 1983 and we met - and then almost 30 years ago we married. But that is another blog - for another day.
Today we find ourselves in the middle of that death and dying process all over again.
He prayed for her every day - with every meal. The prayer was "And Jesus heal Lisa."
The preacher on Wednesday afternoon said that he just knew that Jesus would heal Lisa and we would all talk about how awesome God was and how He healed her and how wonderful life is.
Then he said - and here we are - talking about how awesome God is - how wonderful our lives are - and yes - He did heal her.
I met her Aunt Penny at the service. Penny said - that smile was just a smile of Life. Yes - even in this picture with Kerry and me - she has a smile of Life.
It is so difficult to get all of this down in written form so that it makes sense. From February 3 - February 16 we thought of all the things we could do for her at what we thought would be a couple of months to enjoy. Concerts to attend - dinners to have - pictures to take....
On February 17, February 18, February 19 all I could do was cry. I wasn't alone - there were others but that precious husband who likes his silence - would just watch me tear up and then just listen.
Nephew Three, Daughter One, Sweet Baby One, and I went to see her on the evening of the 19th. I know she knew we were there. I could see her in her eyes - ever so once in a while - the realization that we were there. Kerry and Son One had to work late - she would understand that completely. I wonder how many times in the last 8 years did she check off their time from those late, late evenings on PK Lake? I prayed for her one more time - knowing that is precisely what Kerry would want to do too.
We knew for just a short time. She received the diagnosis in October - took a few rounds of chemo - that did not work - and then she was gone.
This death and dying thing makes little sense to me and I have grown up immersed in people and being around death - and I get that with Jesus we have victory. But it is sure hard to truly process.
But I know - without any doubt - she would choose heaven all over again - every single day.
I want to talk about heaven more - we are only passing through -
Thankful - she passed through in the places where we are.
Lisa Dawn Acker
August 30, 1970 - February 20, 2016
Always, May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. 2 Corinthians 13:14.